Rainy Days

Rainy days make me so happy. It rained on Friday (11/4/11) and now it's raining again today (Sunday). Let me tell you everything I love about rainy days and what I love to do on days like today.

I love to sleep in and stay in my pajamas all day.
I love to bundle up with scarves, hats, rain boots, and warm jackets.
I love to go puddle jumping.
I love to chill in my house with the window open so I can listen to the rain.
I love to sit on the couch in my sweats with coffee, read my Bible, do some journaling, and then fall asleep.
I love to go get Starbucks and then go to Barnes and Noble and pick out a couple books, and read for hours.
I love kissing in the rain (if I had someone to kiss).
I love when I get so cold and wet that he gives me his coat.
I love to take walks in the rain.......with no umbrella.
I love to have mud fights in the rain.
I love to slide down wet and muddy hills on a boogie board with pam cooking spray on the bottom of the board. It's called Pam Boarding.
I love to veg out on the couch in my sweats and watch countless movies with friends.
I love to blare the music and get laundry done and the house cleaned.
I love to practice my knitting while watching a movie.
I love to take pictures in the rain.
I love to eat a grilled cheese sandwich with tomato soup. I love soup on cold and rainy days.
I love to sit in the car with the radio on, heat on full blast, and watch the rain come down.
I love to play in the rain with my nieces and nephews and jump in the puddles together.
I love driving in the rain with no where to go (during the day).
I love driving through huge puddles and it sprays the whole car.
I love to make a fire in the fireplace and roast marshmallows.
I love to be in a huge field where the grass comes up to my waist, and the rain is coming down.
I love to go hunting with my Daddy. Hunting in the rain is better because the animals don't smell your scent as much.
I love putting pajamas or sweats in the dryer, then go play in the rain and get so wet from the rain that it literally looks like I just took a shower and then going inside and putting on warm clothes straight from the dryer.
I love when the rain is coming down so hard in the morning that it wakes me up out of a dead sleep, like it did this morning. It's the only thing that can wake me up from a dead sleep and not be grumpy about it.

There is so much more that I love about rainy days, but for the most part, these are my favorites. I hope I gave you some good ideas about what to do on a rainy day. Enjoy!

Tears that turn into raindrops

November 4, 2010 will always be a time that my family will want to forget but we never will. It's the day our whole world came crashing down. My brother-in-law passed away from a severe asthma attack. He left behind my sister Amber, their daughter (my niece) Jordan, 8, and their son (my nephew), Cameron, 6. My family and I spent four straight days in the hospital waiting for answers on how he was doing and if he was going to be okay. After four days, the doctors told us there was no brain activity and there was no reason to be optimistic. The next two days was spent making funeral arrangements, meetings about donating his organs and discussing what day and time he was going to taken off life support. I was at school in California when my sister, Amy, called to tell me Scott had an asthma attack and that he was in the hospital, but that he was going to be fine. That was a Friday. I talked to my mom on Monday afternoon and she said the hospital wasn't giving any answers. I had to go to my three hour science class that Monday night. It was the only class I had that day. I told my professor what was going on and that I would need to leave the class if my family called because I didn't want to miss an update. My mom called me when we were on our break from class. She told me that he might either be a vegetable for the rest of his life but be awake or he might fully recover. The break was only ten minutes, so I had to go back to class but I was such a wreck from crying during the phone conversation with Mom. I left class ten minutes into the second half of it. I couldn't take it. Kaitlin was in the class too. I texted her and told her I wanted to go home. My dear friend's Kaitlin and Kortni stayed up with me all night that night. They helped me arrange my flight home and pack to leave the next morning and they took me to the airport at 4am. On my layover, I called Bethany Lee, Luke Hanes and Lee Erickson to tell them that I was coming home and why and that I wanted/needed one of them at the hospital. None of them answered their phones so I left them all messages. I wanted one of them to come to the hospital and just be there to be there. I left them my mom's cell phone number in the messages so they could call my mom since I would be unreachable while I was on my second flight. My plane landed in Portland at 10am. Mom picked me up from the airport and we went straight to the hospital. We met Luke Hanes in the hospital parking lot. My whole family, Scott's family, Scott's and Amber's friends, some of Mom's friends, and my niece and nephew were all in the waiting room of the ICU. The lady at the front desk gave me a sticky name tag to write my name and Scott's room number on and I had to tell her what my relation to Scott was. Luke got one too. You weren't allowed to go through the doors to get to his room unless you had the name tag on and your cell phone was off. Before Mom, Luke and I even walked into the hospital room, my sister, Amber, came out of the room freaking out because the doctors had just pronounced him completely brain dead and that there was no reason to have hope that he'll ever wake up again. Amber collapsed on the floor right there in the hallway. I stood there in the hall right outside his room and watched Mom cradle my sister and comfort her. I didn't cry then. I was still trying to process what had just happened. I looked at Luke, but I didn't say anything. I had to bend over and put my hands on my knees because I felt like I was going to throw up. A few minutes later, after I gained my composure again and pulled myself together, I walked into the room and there he was, laying in the hospital bed with a million tubes hooked to his body and with pictures hanging up everywhere. There were also some get well cards that Jordan and Cameron had made for him hanging on the wall. It was the weirdest thing to see him in the hospital bed with his eyes closed, brain dead, but still alive. His eyes were twitching. The next two days from early in the morning until late at night were nothing but sitting and waiting around in the ICU waiting room with my family. Hospital food is not that good, not that I was really in the mood to eat anyway. There were a lot of meetings and legal paper work that had to be taken care of about donating Scott's organs. Me and my sisters all took turns taking care of Jordan and Cameron and making sure they were fed and had someone to hang out with. When the time came near the middle of the last day he was alive, Jordan and Cameron went into the Scott's room to say goodbye to him. They didn't understand why they were saying goodbye to Daddy. Jordan and Cameron described to Scott what was going on in one of the pictures that was in the room. It was the one hanging on the hospital bed right above his head. It was a picture of Scott, Cameron, and Jordan in front of a Christmas tree. I don't know what year the picture was taken, but Cameron looked really young. Jordan and Cameron just cuddled with him. Cameron talked to him as if he was talking to his Daddy on any other day, but Jordan was a little more withdrawn. She had the most confused look on her face, with big eyes looking at me like I had all the answers to her questions about what was going on. I will never forget the look on Jordan's face at that exact moment. After that part was over, we went back to the waiting room. There was a door in the waiting room that led to a more private room that anyone could use. Mom lead a meeting in that room just to help everyone be on the same page and what the rest of the day was going to look like and around what time they were going to take Scott off life support. Mom did a really good job of taking the reins through the whole process. The time came for everyone to go to Scott's room one by one and have a few minutes of privacy to say their last goodbyes. I was so scared to say my goodbye. I didn't want to do it when it came to be my turn, but Mom took me by the hand and took me back there and told me that I will regret it for the rest of my life if I don't. I went into the room and sat in the chair by the bed. There was a nurse in there getting him ready to be taken to the room where they take him off life support. I was annoyed that she was in there. I wanted to be by myself while I talked to Scott for the last time, but I didn't say anything to her. I took Scott's hand, and told him that we weren't ready to let him go, but that it was okay. I assured him that me and everyone else in the family were going to help take care of Amber, Jordan and Cameron and too not worry. I bawled my eyes out for about ten minutes and through the tears, just kept repeating those same words. I dried my eyes, told Scott that he will be missed, and left the room. That was the last time I saw him. Mom was right, I'm glad that I said one last goodbye to him. Within the next hour or so, Haylie and I took Jordan and Cameron home to Mom's house. The kid's took baths and put their pajamas on. Jordan still wears pull-ups to bed but she didn't have any. I took Haylie's car to go to Safeway to get some. Right as I was leaving, Jordan had a mental breakdown. I think she realized at that very moment that her Daddy was gone forever. Haylie talked to her and comforted her so that I could go to the store. Back at the hospital, the life support was scheduled to be turned off at 9:00pm but it took until 11:00pm or so. Besides the doctors, Mom and Amber were the only one's in the room as the life support was turned off. Since he still had a faint heart beat without the life support, It took him about an hour after the life support was turned off to take his last breath. Amber told me that for that hour, she talked to Scott about their wedding day until he was gone.

The next few days was filled with making funeral plans. Amber wanted him to be cremated. The funeral was so hard. Jordan wrote her own speech. My little 8 year old niece said her speech to 200 plus people. That little girl has more spirit and bravery in her then any grown adult I know. Amy, Mom, Haylie and I just sat there in the front row and cried and cried and cried while Jordan spoke. After Jordan, Amber, and the pastor spoke, there was a chance for people to tell stories about and memories of Scott. It was so great to see so many people sharing their best memories of Scott.

The things I've learned over the past year are simple; live life to the fullest, don't sweat the small stuff, tell the people in your life that you love them everyday, learn to forgive and move on, and laugh a lot.

How do I make this pain go away?

This week has sucked. This day has been shitty. Tomorrow is going to be even shittier.
One year ago, was the beginning of the hardest year my family and I would ever experience and it's just plain shitty. The pain sucks and never goes away. It stays there, and lingers and since it wont go away, I just want to numb it, but I know that wont work. I want to give up on school, work, life, and just everything, put myself in a box and just stay there, where no one can find me and ask me why I'm upset or why I'm crying. I'm tired of explaining it. This is just shitty, shitty, shitty. I hate this. The smallest things are making me cry lately and I hate that too. I hate feeling like I have to be strong. Everyone tells me that I don't have to be, but that doesn't change the way I feel. uuuggghhhhhh.......I'm going to bed, even though I don't want to because that means I'm going to wake up and it's going to be tomorrow, but not getting any sleep wont stop tomorrow from coming, so I may as well get sleep. Sorry for the swear words, but I believe in expressing how I feel, and that is just how I feel right now.