Bucket List

This isn't necessarily the order that I want to do these things. The number doesn't represent the importance or priority of everything I want to do, I just type them as I think of them.

1. Go to college and graduate
2. Study abroad in Israel
3. Go to Boston in the Fall
4. Get Dad to tell me he's proud of me.....just once, that's all I want.
5. Always choose to see the good and beauty in everyone and everything
6. Have a valet parking service park my car.
7. Drive across country with a friend.....rent a car so we only have to drive one way
8. Go on a mission trip
9. Go out of the country
10. Kiss the one I love in the rain
11. Kiss under a mistletoe
12. Kiss on New Year's Eve at midnight
13. Volunteer at a homeless shelter on a regular basis
14. Go to a professional game of every sport.....I don't care what teams
15. Go to a Ducks game
16. Own a grand piano
17. Learn how to cook.....learn some stuff from Mom
18. Celebrate Mardi Gras in New Orleans
19. Go to Paris and Rome
20. Go to the place where I can stand on 4 states at once
21. Have horses
22. Have a golden retriever and a husky
23. Go skydiving
24. Swim with dolphins
25. Go to New York/Visit Ground Zero
26. Go to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade
27. Ride horses on the beach
28. Go to Vegas......just once.
29. See Christmas zoo lights
30. Do something crazy with my hair.....like a crazy color, or multiple colors
31. Donate blood as often as I can
32. Get all the tattoos that I want/Get sister tattoos
33. Have a vegetable garden
34. Have a huge flower garden
35. Go scuba diving
36. Fall in love/Get married
37. Sing karaoke
38. Go cow tipping
39. Go on a cruise
40. Write a Christmas/New Years letter and send it to friends and family
41. Go to the top of the Space Needle
42. Go to the top of the Eiffel Tower
43. Visit a castle....inside and outside the U.S.
44. The person I love singing to me....even if he's terrible, I don't care, as long as he's singing to me.
45. Learn to do a cart-wheel
46. Kiss at the top of a ferris wheel
47. Go on a road trip with friends.....no destination, no maps, no timeline
48. Own a truck
49. Drive down route 66
50. Go to Italy.....and New Zealand.....and Ireland
51. Own a vespa......and get good at driving it
52. Have breakfast at Tiffany's
53. Visit the world's largest aquarium......wherever it is.
54. Win a stuffed animal at the fair
55. Road trip to Canada
56. Go paragliding
57. Experience a white Christmas......wherever I have to go to get one
58. Chop down my own Christmas tree.....I may need help.
59. Watch sunrise on the beach
60. Watch sunset on the beach
61. Go to Alaska with Dad
62. Find the first Starbucks
63. Spend the whole day going to garage sales
64. Run through sprinklers on a golf course
65. Camp on the beach.....literally on the sand, with just a sleeping bag and flash light.
66. Buy something from an infomercial.....commercial, or whatever
67. Find the perfect tree to climb, climb it with my love, kiss him, and then sing the song that we would sing when we were kids..... "Lindsey and ________ sittin in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G....."
68. Visit Niagara Falls
69. Have a porch swing
70. Go zip lining
71. Go to Nashville.....visit family and go to the CMA's
72. Visit Nanny in Florida
73. Remodel Dad's house and barn
74. Have a family in the newly remodeled house
75. Jump in a pool fully clothed
76. Go to the Mall of America
77. Go to London
78. Have restoration in my family so ALL my sisters can be in my wedding one day, little sister be my maid of honor
79. Stand under and behind a waterfall
80. Go fishing
81. Go mudding/four wheeling
82. Live on a house boat for a week or two
83. Get snowed in.....turn off tv, computer, and whatever else and just enjoy the people I'm with
84. Power goes out.....have a candlelit dinner.....and candlelit everything
85. Live in a village in a foreign country......3 or 4 weeks maybe. Make it a mission trip??!!!!!
86. Have a porch that wraps all the way around my house
87. Have a hammock.....not with a hammock stand.....has to be hung between two trees
88. Build a tree house for my kids
89. Remember to always be content with what I have (material things) and be okay if I lose it all
90. Don't dress to impress. I've always been comfortable in a t-shirt, jeans, little amount of make-up, and doing nothing with my hair. I'll dress up when I want too....that's when it's fun.
91. Go hunting with Dad.....even though it's freezing. It's something he enjoys.
92. Take Mom on a vacation......anywhere she wants to go, just the two of us.
93. Mom, all sisters, brother, nieces, nephews and I go on a vacation
94. Dad, Haylie and I go on a vacation
95. Learn to drive a tractor.....growing up, Dad always said it was too dangerous, so I never had the chance.
96. Go to Washington D.C./Visit the White House
97. Run through a tree orchard
98. Play in a corn field
99. Be able to walk through a field of flowers without taking allergy medicine and without sneezing
100. Lay in a pile of colorful leaves
101. Never stop serving at my church....no matter how busy I get, how many kids I have, whatever ministry I'm doing, or whatever I'm doing with my life.....working at my church is always a must. I have since I was 16 and I don't ever want to stop.
102. Adopt children inside and outside the U.S.
103. Learn to skip rocks on water
104. Learn to whistle
105. Build a huge bird house and put it right outside a window of my house
106. Sit and watch a lightening storm
107. Ride an elephant
108. Learn to sail
109. Sleep on a top bunk with out falling off in my sleep and with no guard rail......scary stuff right there
110. Ride bikes on the beach walk.....rent beach cruisers
111. Surround myself with people that not only accept my weirdness, but love me for it and don't want to change me. People that love me for who I am.
112. Have a couple different fish tanks in my house.....and be creative about it.....like a sink that's a fish tank
113. I want my Daddy to walk me down the isle.....whenever that time may be.
114. Spend a whole summer day at a carnival......riding all the rides and playing all the games
115. Hang a swing from a tree
116. Help build a well for the Wells for Africa organization
117. Go to a drive-in and watch the movie in a truck bed......bring tons of blankets and pillows
118. Go stargazing.....all the time
119. Have picnics in the park
120. Go to the airport, and buy tickets for a random flight.....I love being spontaneous.....when it's appropriate. 
121. Own a pair of aviators
122. Wear the silly bands my nieces and nephews give me
123. Invite friends that don't have anywhere to go for the holidays, to stay with me.
125. Go an entire day without using technology. Being out of cell range or internet being down and it not being an option doesn't count.
126. Watch a meteor shower
127. Visit countries that might seem scary to go to. I wanna go to all of them.
128. See the Wall Of China
129. Drive a go-cart
130. Buy a caterpillar kit.....watch them turn into butterflies and then set them free
131. Build a snowman, have a snowball fight.
132. Make a ring out of a quarter
133. Have a big library in my house.....of every kind of book.....and then one of those cool ladders to get books from top shelves. Have tons of kids' books....especially Dr. Seuss books.
134. Do the Daniel fast
135. Never let my kids get addicted to technology or use it as a baby sitter. Go play outside!!!!!
136. Have a staircase railing that I can slide down.....and/or a slide next to the stairs!!!
137. Ride in a horse drawn carriage at night (with snow falling would be great) wrapped up in a blanket
138. Sled down a hill side
139. Go deep sea fishing
140. Be barefoot as often as possible. Mostly a summer thing. I don't like wearing shoes. I was always barefoot as a child.
141.  Donate stuff to Salvation Army every couple months
142. Watch turtles eggs hatch and watch them make their way to the ocean
143. Put up a tent in the back yard.....summer time.
144. Camp in a yurt
145. Go to Wyoming
146. Go to the beach all the time
147. Buy a homeless person a meal as often as I can
148. Have a hidden door in my house......like a wall that opens or something
149. Win a game of Scrabble against Mom
150. Go to the top of a light house
151. See a volcano
152. Milk a cow.....I don't know how I grew up on a farm (18 years) without ever doing this
153. See the northern lights
154. Spend a couple days in San Fransisco/Go to Alcatraz
155. Ride in a submarine....the Finding Nemo ride at Disneyland doesn't count
156. Walk through a drive-through
157. Take a polaroid camera with everywhere for a day, and take pictures of fun things
158. Own a pair of moccasins
159. Name one of my girls Lila Grace
160. Name one of my other girls Ava Jade
161. Get over my fear of peacocks
162. Learn to do a handstand
163. Pet a tiger
164. Take a yoga class
165. Attach myself to tons and tons of balloons to see if I will float
166. Go on a long hike.....like an all day hike
167. Own the series of Full House and Boy Meets World
168. Bring flowers to my Grandpa and Grandma's grave in Spokane, Washington
169. Get better at my sign language.....take a class again
170. Put a message in a bottle and throw it in the ocean
171. Write a message on a dollar bill, send it out in the world, and see if it ever comes back to me.
172. Go to the Grand Canyon
173. Own a pair of roller blades....go roller blading
174. Own every classic Disney movie
175. Drive a motorcycle.....just once.

Bucket list......in the making

Okay, so I'm going to start a bucket list. I've been meaning to for a while and just never got around to it. There will be crazy stuff on my list that I've always wanted to do, like drive across the country, but also stuff that I can do on a normal day. I think my new year's resolution is to work on my bucket list. I'm going to add things that I've already done, like going out of the U.S. for the first time, and other things that I mentally crossed off my bucket list. They still belong on my list even though I've already done them. It will be a long list and I'll probably never be done with it. I want to make a collage of my bucket list. Everything I want to do in pictures with a caption to each picture!!!!! It will be the biggest collage evveeerrrrr.....and it will never stop growing. I'm super excited!! It's gonna be great. I think I should watch the movie The Bucket List. I've never seen it.
P.S. Let me know if you think you know of something I would want to put on my list. :)

One of the big things on my list is to ride in a hot air balloon.

My friends

I'm sitting in the library, attempting to do my homework but failing miserably because I can't focus and I randomly start crying multiple times.....getting my homework done just isn't going well. This song came on my Pandora and through this song, the Lord reminded me that the value of our friendship is waayyy bigger then anything and there is always room for restoration. I will do anything for you, and I always will and I'm not going to let this ruin our relationship. Plain and simple, I'm just not going to let it.

Rainy Days

Rainy days make me so happy. It rained on Friday (11/4/11) and now it's raining again today (Sunday). Let me tell you everything I love about rainy days and what I love to do on days like today.

I love to sleep in and stay in my pajamas all day.
I love to bundle up with scarves, hats, rain boots, and warm jackets.
I love to go puddle jumping.
I love to chill in my house with the window open so I can listen to the rain.
I love to sit on the couch in my sweats with coffee, read my Bible, do some journaling, and then fall asleep.
I love to go get Starbucks and then go to Barnes and Noble and pick out a couple books, and read for hours.
I love kissing in the rain (if I had someone to kiss).
I love when I get so cold and wet that he gives me his coat.
I love to take walks in the rain.......with no umbrella.
I love to have mud fights in the rain.
I love to slide down wet and muddy hills on a boogie board with pam cooking spray on the bottom of the board. It's called Pam Boarding.
I love to veg out on the couch in my sweats and watch countless movies with friends.
I love to blare the music and get laundry done and the house cleaned.
I love to practice my knitting while watching a movie.
I love to take pictures in the rain.
I love to eat a grilled cheese sandwich with tomato soup. I love soup on cold and rainy days.
I love to sit in the car with the radio on, heat on full blast, and watch the rain come down.
I love to play in the rain with my nieces and nephews and jump in the puddles together.
I love driving in the rain with no where to go (during the day).
I love driving through huge puddles and it sprays the whole car.
I love to make a fire in the fireplace and roast marshmallows.
I love to be in a huge field where the grass comes up to my waist, and the rain is coming down.
I love to go hunting with my Daddy. Hunting in the rain is better because the animals don't smell your scent as much.
I love putting pajamas or sweats in the dryer, then go play in the rain and get so wet from the rain that it literally looks like I just took a shower and then going inside and putting on warm clothes straight from the dryer.
I love when the rain is coming down so hard in the morning that it wakes me up out of a dead sleep, like it did this morning. It's the only thing that can wake me up from a dead sleep and not be grumpy about it.

There is so much more that I love about rainy days, but for the most part, these are my favorites. I hope I gave you some good ideas about what to do on a rainy day. Enjoy!

Tears that turn into raindrops

November 4, 2010 will always be a time that my family will want to forget but we never will. It's the day our whole world came crashing down. My brother-in-law passed away from a severe asthma attack. He left behind my sister Amber, their daughter (my niece) Jordan, 8, and their son (my nephew), Cameron, 6. My family and I spent four straight days in the hospital waiting for answers on how he was doing and if he was going to be okay. After four days, the doctors told us there was no brain activity and there was no reason to be optimistic. The next two days was spent making funeral arrangements, meetings about donating his organs and discussing what day and time he was going to taken off life support. I was at school in California when my sister, Amy, called to tell me Scott had an asthma attack and that he was in the hospital, but that he was going to be fine. That was a Friday. I talked to my mom on Monday afternoon and she said the hospital wasn't giving any answers. I had to go to my three hour science class that Monday night. It was the only class I had that day. I told my professor what was going on and that I would need to leave the class if my family called because I didn't want to miss an update. My mom called me when we were on our break from class. She told me that he might either be a vegetable for the rest of his life but be awake or he might fully recover. The break was only ten minutes, so I had to go back to class but I was such a wreck from crying during the phone conversation with Mom. I left class ten minutes into the second half of it. I couldn't take it. Kaitlin was in the class too. I texted her and told her I wanted to go home. My dear friend's Kaitlin and Kortni stayed up with me all night that night. They helped me arrange my flight home and pack to leave the next morning and they took me to the airport at 4am. On my layover, I called Bethany Lee, Luke Hanes and Lee Erickson to tell them that I was coming home and why and that I wanted/needed one of them at the hospital. None of them answered their phones so I left them all messages. I wanted one of them to come to the hospital and just be there to be there. I left them my mom's cell phone number in the messages so they could call my mom since I would be unreachable while I was on my second flight. My plane landed in Portland at 10am. Mom picked me up from the airport and we went straight to the hospital. We met Luke Hanes in the hospital parking lot. My whole family, Scott's family, Scott's and Amber's friends, some of Mom's friends, and my niece and nephew were all in the waiting room of the ICU. The lady at the front desk gave me a sticky name tag to write my name and Scott's room number on and I had to tell her what my relation to Scott was. Luke got one too. You weren't allowed to go through the doors to get to his room unless you had the name tag on and your cell phone was off. Before Mom, Luke and I even walked into the hospital room, my sister, Amber, came out of the room freaking out because the doctors had just pronounced him completely brain dead and that there was no reason to have hope that he'll ever wake up again. Amber collapsed on the floor right there in the hallway. I stood there in the hall right outside his room and watched Mom cradle my sister and comfort her. I didn't cry then. I was still trying to process what had just happened. I looked at Luke, but I didn't say anything. I had to bend over and put my hands on my knees because I felt like I was going to throw up. A few minutes later, after I gained my composure again and pulled myself together, I walked into the room and there he was, laying in the hospital bed with a million tubes hooked to his body and with pictures hanging up everywhere. There were also some get well cards that Jordan and Cameron had made for him hanging on the wall. It was the weirdest thing to see him in the hospital bed with his eyes closed, brain dead, but still alive. His eyes were twitching. The next two days from early in the morning until late at night were nothing but sitting and waiting around in the ICU waiting room with my family. Hospital food is not that good, not that I was really in the mood to eat anyway. There were a lot of meetings and legal paper work that had to be taken care of about donating Scott's organs. Me and my sisters all took turns taking care of Jordan and Cameron and making sure they were fed and had someone to hang out with. When the time came near the middle of the last day he was alive, Jordan and Cameron went into the Scott's room to say goodbye to him. They didn't understand why they were saying goodbye to Daddy. Jordan and Cameron described to Scott what was going on in one of the pictures that was in the room. It was the one hanging on the hospital bed right above his head. It was a picture of Scott, Cameron, and Jordan in front of a Christmas tree. I don't know what year the picture was taken, but Cameron looked really young. Jordan and Cameron just cuddled with him. Cameron talked to him as if he was talking to his Daddy on any other day, but Jordan was a little more withdrawn. She had the most confused look on her face, with big eyes looking at me like I had all the answers to her questions about what was going on. I will never forget the look on Jordan's face at that exact moment. After that part was over, we went back to the waiting room. There was a door in the waiting room that led to a more private room that anyone could use. Mom lead a meeting in that room just to help everyone be on the same page and what the rest of the day was going to look like and around what time they were going to take Scott off life support. Mom did a really good job of taking the reins through the whole process. The time came for everyone to go to Scott's room one by one and have a few minutes of privacy to say their last goodbyes. I was so scared to say my goodbye. I didn't want to do it when it came to be my turn, but Mom took me by the hand and took me back there and told me that I will regret it for the rest of my life if I don't. I went into the room and sat in the chair by the bed. There was a nurse in there getting him ready to be taken to the room where they take him off life support. I was annoyed that she was in there. I wanted to be by myself while I talked to Scott for the last time, but I didn't say anything to her. I took Scott's hand, and told him that we weren't ready to let him go, but that it was okay. I assured him that me and everyone else in the family were going to help take care of Amber, Jordan and Cameron and too not worry. I bawled my eyes out for about ten minutes and through the tears, just kept repeating those same words. I dried my eyes, told Scott that he will be missed, and left the room. That was the last time I saw him. Mom was right, I'm glad that I said one last goodbye to him. Within the next hour or so, Haylie and I took Jordan and Cameron home to Mom's house. The kid's took baths and put their pajamas on. Jordan still wears pull-ups to bed but she didn't have any. I took Haylie's car to go to Safeway to get some. Right as I was leaving, Jordan had a mental breakdown. I think she realized at that very moment that her Daddy was gone forever. Haylie talked to her and comforted her so that I could go to the store. Back at the hospital, the life support was scheduled to be turned off at 9:00pm but it took until 11:00pm or so. Besides the doctors, Mom and Amber were the only one's in the room as the life support was turned off. Since he still had a faint heart beat without the life support, It took him about an hour after the life support was turned off to take his last breath. Amber told me that for that hour, she talked to Scott about their wedding day until he was gone.

The next few days was filled with making funeral plans. Amber wanted him to be cremated. The funeral was so hard. Jordan wrote her own speech. My little 8 year old niece said her speech to 200 plus people. That little girl has more spirit and bravery in her then any grown adult I know. Amy, Mom, Haylie and I just sat there in the front row and cried and cried and cried while Jordan spoke. After Jordan, Amber, and the pastor spoke, there was a chance for people to tell stories about and memories of Scott. It was so great to see so many people sharing their best memories of Scott.

The things I've learned over the past year are simple; live life to the fullest, don't sweat the small stuff, tell the people in your life that you love them everyday, learn to forgive and move on, and laugh a lot.

How do I make this pain go away?

This week has sucked. This day has been shitty. Tomorrow is going to be even shittier.
One year ago, was the beginning of the hardest year my family and I would ever experience and it's just plain shitty. The pain sucks and never goes away. It stays there, and lingers and since it wont go away, I just want to numb it, but I know that wont work. I want to give up on school, work, life, and just everything, put myself in a box and just stay there, where no one can find me and ask me why I'm upset or why I'm crying. I'm tired of explaining it. This is just shitty, shitty, shitty. I hate this. The smallest things are making me cry lately and I hate that too. I hate feeling like I have to be strong. Everyone tells me that I don't have to be, but that doesn't change the way I feel. uuuggghhhhhh.......I'm going to bed, even though I don't want to because that means I'm going to wake up and it's going to be tomorrow, but not getting any sleep wont stop tomorrow from coming, so I may as well get sleep. Sorry for the swear words, but I believe in expressing how I feel, and that is just how I feel right now.

Amarillo Sky

To whom ever reads my blogs.....sorry if I post too much of boring stuff, but I've seriously become addicted to blogging about all the fun, meaningful, interesting, and even hard things that go on in my life. It's so fun to write it down.


Tonight, I went over my friend, Tasha's, house at 9. We were suppose to watch Glee, but it hasn't been on for like 3 weeks. It actually airs on Tuesdays, and she records it on her DVR and then we watch it on Thursday nights. A couple other people came over to to watch it too. Anyway, went over there, and it wasn't on. So instead we turned on the Office. While some people watched the Office, Tasha and I were cleaning her apartment off and on, mainly her kitchen. Whenever I'm at Tasha's, I am always helping her pick up a little bit. Gifts of service is one of strongest my love languages. (Physical touch is my other one). If I see something that needs to be done, I'll usually do it because it blesses them (unless they don't want me too of course).

After the Office was over and everyone had left and the apartment was pretty much cleaned up, Tasha and I were sitting at the table just chatting about random stuff. As we're chatting, she told me something very meaningful to me. She told me that she really values me and our friendship. Even if I didn't help clean up her apartment, she just really enjoys our friendship. She told me that I just always have a good attitude, and that I'm always willing to do whatever is asked of me, and that I just am so fun to hang out with. Now words of affirmation is not one of my love languages, but hearing all that from Tasha really made me feel so good. Who wouldn't feel good after hearing that?!?! She is the only friend that has verbally told me that. I know that I mean a lot to my friends, I know I'm valued by them, but to be verbally reminded that I'm valued is nice. I seriously love hanging out with Tasha. She's just so much fun, and I can just be so real with her. Not that I can't be real with my other friends, but with Tasha, because she's a little older then me, it's like she can be a mother, big sister, and friend to me. A lot of the time, being away from home, I really need a mother influence and advice and she is there for me. There just aren't words to describe how much I enjoy her in my life and how much she means to me. She is just so awesome. Life is just so great with her in it. On Saturday, we're going to a pumpkin patch, (Anna Duzik and Dinesha Lowden are coming too) and I am waaaayyyy excited. I've NEVER been to one. Isn't that sad? We're gonna grab coffee on the way there (Pumpkin Spice Latte of course). I'm seriously hoping for it to be cold so I can bundle up, and I really wanna wear my rain boots because it will probably be muddy. I will probably wear rain boots regardless. I am just so in love with my life and the people in it. I have a great life. I'm seriously so blessed. I love you all so much.

Side note: After realizing how much I like hearing that I'm valued, I am going to start telling my friends and family on a daily basis how much they mean to me. It's going to be hard to remember because words of affirmation is not one of my love languages or one of my strong suits, but I think people like to hear it, so that's what I'm going to try to remember to do. People need to know how much they mean to me and how they bless me by being in my life.

P.S. The title of this blog was the song I was listening to when I was ready to post the blog and I couldn't come up with a name.....hahaha. Look it up. It's a good song.

Loving and Laughing

So I was at Starbucks from 2-5pm today. I ran into Jordan Fehlen, so I sat down next to him. Once the big table became available, I moved there, but I just moved my computer. I left my purse, Bible, and Journal in the chair next to Jordan. I did a little bit of Theology 3 homework but my attention span on it was going in and out. I kind of gave up on homework at about 4. Funny and fun things started to occur so I'm going to list them.

Anna Duzik randomly texted me to tell me she missed me. I invited her to go to the pumpkin patch with Tasha and I on Saturday. She's coming! Super excited about that. P.S. I've never been to a pumpkin patch so I'm bubbling with excitement about that.

Kristen Nix and I were chatting on facebook and talking about if she was coming to the pumpkin patch or not (she's still not sure, but hoping she does come) but we also kind of half planned to hang out at her house sometime this weekend because her parents are going to be gone. I'm gonna be super excited if it works out. Living in the dorms at school make me miss being in a home, with a kitchen, and a couch, and parents. Side note: It's interesting what you miss while in school and then what makes it better. Being able to sleep in a house and eat in the kitchen helps with the homesickness, even if it's not my house. I don't know how, it just does.

This happened last night, but it's still cool. Ryan Abuyen lets me borrow his car all the time. Whenever I need it, he lets me use it, unless he needs it of course. We take turns putting gas in it. Last night he asked me if I would drive him to the train station Burbank, CA, using his car. It's about 30 minutes away.  He's going to go home for five days and he said I could just use his car for the whole time he's gone. He's such a blessing. To have access to a car helps me out so much.

Okay, back to today. My Dad called me. I answered the phone; "Hi Daddy" and Jordan laughed at me. He called to tell me that he booked my plane ticket for Thanksgiving break. I'm driving to Portland with Jake Moyer and then we're flying back to California because he's leaving his car at his house. I'm sooooo excited to be able to go home for Thanksgiving. I didn't get to last year.

When I was sitting at the table at Starbucks, a stranger asked me if he could sit down at the table with me (it's a big table and has room for two people with laptops). My first thought was "STRANGER DANGER". That's what my Mom engraved into my head as a small child. I looked at Jordan and he started to laugh at me. I told the guy that he could sit down at the table with me. I wasn't going to be rude. That wouldn't be nice. Besides, there was plenty of room for both of us to sit at the table. He asked me if I was from Oregon because I had on my Oregon Ducks sweatshirt. I told him that I'm actually from Washington, but I grew up 10 minutes from Oregon and I like the Ducks.

About 20 minutes after the guy sat down, Jordan and I left because dinner was going to be soon.

On the way home from Starbucks, I accidentally cut Jordan off. I apologized when we got back to campus. He told me that he thought I was trying to race him. I don't race, especially in a car that's not mine. I always think of what could happen; my life at steak and the lives of others. Also after we got home, Jordan told me that I made it look like to others that he is gay because I left my purple purse and pinkish Bible on the chair next to him. I guess it gave the impression to other people that it was his. I told him that he should of asked me to move it. He told me that that would give the impression that we're dating......I'm not sure how that logic works, but whatever. When he was telling me this though, I was laughing so hard I was crying. It's good to laugh like that. I wish I laughed like that everyday.

After dinner, I went to counseling. It was good. I cried but it was good to cry. I love going to counseling.

Later, I went to the Loop. Beth Mead was teaching people how to knit. She's trying to teach me. I'm learning. It would be nice if I could get good at it. I don't really have any hobbies or anything I'm good at. I don't do any sports, play any instruments, and I'm not an artist, so it would be cool if I learned. She said that even though the kitting needles look like weapons, they are allowed on planes, so I could take it on the plane. Right now I'm learning how to knit little baby booties for children in Africa. Our school is trying to get people to make as many booties as possible and then they will get sent to Africa.

Well that is all the fun and funny things that happened today. It's been a good day.

Frustration

So this is going to be a little bit of a vent......

A couple days ago, my little sister's (Haylie; she'll be 20 in December) status was this..."Full coverage insurance is a pain to pay for every month to say the least but at this moment I don't know what I would do without it!" The very first thing I thought of was that she was in a car accident. Obviously she would be okay because she updated here status, but I still wanted to here her voice and know that she was okay, so I called her. I saw the status at about midnight and it said she had posted it at about 10pm. I knew she would be asleep because she either had work or school early the next day, but I didn't care, I called her anyway. I called and she answered with her sleepy voice and I asked her what her status was about and if she was in an accident. She said she was fine and that she wasn't in an accident and that she would tell me what happened later. So I said okay. I called her the next day but she didn't answer and she didn't ever call me back. I was talking to my Dad yesterday about getting a plane ticket for Thanksgiving break. After we were done talking about the plane ticket, I asked him if he knew anything about what was going on with Haylie. He said that somehow the oil tank on her car got a leak in it and it started leaking out all the oil and then she drove for two weeks with an oil leak and eventually driving with no oil and it ruined her engine. Dad said that he is still waiting to here back from the insurance to see how much they are going to cover and how everything is going to work out. He said he's really stressed because no matter what he will have to pay the deductible and it's going to be really expensive.

Now here's the stressful part. Haylie doesn't give my dad the time of day, EVER. The only time she ever calls him is when she needs something from him, usually money wise. She doesn't ever call him just to talk and catch up, return his phone calls, or spend time with him. She has made it clear that she doesn't want anything to do with him.......except when things get hard for her and she needs him to bail her out. She's expecting him to pay whatever the insurance wont cover and if need be, supply her with a new car. I have told her that I know it's really hard to have a relationship with him because he is so closed off and not good at communicating and it can be really hard to love him sometimes, but the least you could do is try and act like you care about him. She tells me that I should not be asking him to buy me a plane ticket for Thanksgiving break, but what she doesn't understand is that I try really hard to have somewhat of a relationship with Dad, and asking him for money is my very last resort, when it's her first resort. I know that I have to work hard if I want to receive a pay check and I do not expect anyone to just hand me anything. Dad and I came to an agreement that he will pay half of the ticket and I will pay the other half out of the money that I am saving for a new computer. My Dad will end up paying for everything for Haylie because he loves his daughter, no matter what. It's really hard for him to show us that he loves us, but I know he does, because of things like that; paying for what should be Haylie's responsibility even when she doesn't ever give him the time of day and doesn't deserve anything from him. Haylie will never learn though when my dad always bails her out, and it breaks my heart. Praying for Haylie to accept the Lord and start living for Him is one of my daily prayers.
Sorry if that was boring for you, but I had to get it out, I had to vent.

P.S. I'm really sorry if this makes me seem self righteous and stuck up, because that's not my intent or my heart, and if you read this without knowing me, it probably makes me seem like I think I'm better then my sister. I am no better then anyone else. I am messed up like everyone else, I just know that I have salvation in Jesus Christ, but that does not make me "better". I just wish my sister would make better decisions for her life and start living for the Lord. I love her nonetheless though. I will always love Haylie. I have unconditional love for my baby sister, no matter how frustrating she is. Thanks for reading!

Comfort

As I've said, I love country music. Here are some lyrics to a song that I got stuck in my head....

Love don't run
Love don't hide
It wont turn away,
or back down from a fight

Sometimes you don't need words. Sometimes you just need someone to sit on the couch with you, rub your back and play with your hair until you fall asleep. I'm here when you need me, that's what being a good friend is all about. I love the people in my life. That's all I have for tonight.

The lyrics don't really have to do with anything, they're just stuck in my head.

Hello world!

I'm really excited about starting to blog. Getting my thoughts and feelings out is good for me. I hope you're able to get to know me a little bit about me through this. The title of my blog is a title of a country song. I love it because I love being barefoot. I grew up on a farm. I had a nice pair of shoes for school and church and rain boots for the rainy and winter seasons. Other then that, I didn't ever wear shoes. I love the feeling of being barefoot, it's so freeing. If I have to wear shoes when I don't want too (like summerish/warmish weather), I'll wear flip flops or Toms or something that is the least amount of shoe on my foot.

I'm listing to country music on my Pandora as I type this. I have my room and my whole quad to myself because everyone went home for the long weekend and my roommate is spending the night at a friend's house, so my music is on and my light is on and it's 2am. I love being able to do what I want. I'm even going to play my Pandora all night and sleep with the window open. I love falling asleep to music, but I usually can't because my roommate doesn't like it. I guess I could use headphones, but it's not the same. I love my roommate, but it's nice to have space to myself every so often, just to be free to do what I want. I also love the cool breeze in my room. Let the cool breeze come in and wrap up in my blankets. Oh my word, so good.

I sat with Molly Rich and Lauren Manser at lunch today. We got to talking about what we want to do with out lives and we were then talking about my family. Lauren asked me about my family, so I told her a little bit. I told her about Scott, my sister Amber, my nieces and nephews and some other things. They started to feel really bad for me after hearing a little bit of my story, but I didn't want them too. I'm tired of people feeling sorry for me. I love that people have compassion for me and I'm glad to have my friends there in my off days, but feeling sorry for me doesn't get anyone anywhere, so it's not necessary. Anyway, Lauren asked if she could add me to her prayer list, and I said absolutely. She opened her computer, and asked me to write down all the names that I would want her to pray for, so I wrote down mom, dad, sisters, nieces and nephews. That was so incredibly nice of her. Knowing that they are praying for me and my family made me feel not so invisible and unnoticed as I do most of the time. I love Molly and Lauren.

I'm heading to Disneyland tomorrow for the whole day, since we don't have school. I'm so excited. I haven't spent the whole day at Disneyland in a really long time. It's gonna be tiring, but I'm still really excited. Oh man, it's almost 2am, I should probably go to sleep because we're leaving at 9.

Oh...one more thing, Kristen and I hung out a little bit tonight for the first time in a while, but she was tired so she went to bed kind of early. She felt bad, but I didn't want her too. She needed sleep. Anyway, we're hanging out on Saturday morning and afternoon. We're going to go to breakfast, stay in our pajamas, put on cartoons, and do whatever we feel like doing. I'm really excited about that.

Well anyway, sleep time. Sorry if my blogging is random and boring to you. It's just me being me.